My First Girlfriend

“I couldn't help but admire her. I admired  her with my eyes and through my camera lens. And when I captured her in a photo, I admired  her in that, too.”

Most children grow up understanding that intimate relationships are between a man and a  woman. My conservative Chinese parents raised me about the importance of finding an Asian  male partner. Growing up, I never felt the butterflies in my stomach, swiss queasy feeling, or my  heart throbbing out of my chest. My first relationship with a boy was unhealthy and detrimental  to my mentality; I was treated like a second option and shamelessly begged for his attention. I  wanted so desperately to be his nicotine, for him to crave my attention and long for my  prescience. He valued himself too much to care for someone else; he could barely care for  himself, yet I let him hold my heart. Our relationship was war, and we were battling to see who  could hurt the other more. The movies taught me boys were supposed to treat girls like prizes,  take them on dates, and show up at their doors with a bouquet and a cheeky smile. But what if I  was knocking on the door with a bouquet of her favorite flowers? 

During my senior prom, I was captivated by her beauty. She was a vision in her lengthy,  shimmering, gold cultural dress that seemed to illuminate her skin. Her face was a masterpiece  that night, with deep purple hues and rosy cheeks. Her hair was a work of art, every strand in  place. She belonged in a museum as the whole exhibit. I couldn't help but admire her. I admired  her with my eyes and through my camera lens. And when I captured her in a photo, I admired her in that, too. 

I watched her enjoy the night; she was still glowing as the darkness covered the sky. I watched  her enter the dance floor with her date and her smile. I wish I could keep the smile all to myself. Her smile was the brightest I had ever seen. In my eyes, she was the belle of the ball. My pupils  were wide as I admired her from a distance, holding my camera to capture her purity in more  than just my memories.  

In the car, on our drive back from the venue, she reminded me, "This is one of the last  few times we're going to be able to see each other." 

"It's crazy how I've taken you on more dates than any guy ever will," I jokingly responded. "Dinner and boba dates will always be our thing." 

Why did I take her on dates? I took her on dates to spend time with my best friend. I  wanted to relish our high school days together while we were only a fifteen-minute drive apart.  We didn't need a plan; we loved the spontaneity. What mattered was that we were together,  enjoying each other's company.  

Why did I take her on dates? I took her on dates to show her how much I loved her. I  wanted her to feel cherished because no words could fully express the depth of my feelings for  her. I ensured she didn't have to spend a penny when we were together, and I always rushed to  open her car door. The last twenty dollars in my wallet always have her name on it.  

I started taking her on dates after her first boyfriend tested the limits of our friendship,  forcing her to distance herself from me because of his insecurities. I watched their relationship  grow while ours slowly fell apart, but I was undoubtedly her dog. I patiently waited for her  phone calls and texts and taught her boyfriend how to make her happy. When their relationship  ended, one call from her and I was there in a minute. One glance of discomfort, and I would be  sprinting over to her. The months after their breakup were the most painful time of my life. I hated watching her slumped over and crying over an inconsiderate and selfish boy. Her  heartbreak lodged a spear into my chest that marinated in me until she was ready to pull it out. No, we never dated and were never in a romantic relationship. Then why do I take her on dates?  

My best friend is my other half. She is the reason I believe in platonic soulmates; no two  people should ever be as perfect for each other as we are. I take her on dates to compete with her  subsequent romantic interest; if I can provide the same thing for her, then the bachelor is  inadequate. I take her on dates to ensure she does not settle for anything less than she deserves. I take her on dates to remind her of her beauty, value, and importance. I take her on dates to show  her that someone will love her more than I love her, and until then, I will continue to take her on dates.